Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
