If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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