i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
