you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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