If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
And then my night got REAL pukey
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
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