i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Drunk is not a location!
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
