the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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