I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
