I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
