every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Randomize
