Hilbilly word of the day is cedar, example....I knowed she ain\'t got no panties on cuz I cedar cooter.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
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