Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
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