I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
