I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
