I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
