She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
