Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Randomize
