TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Randomize
