His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Randomize
