i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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