I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
