if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
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