I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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