I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
