i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Randomize
