38 yer olds are good kisserssss
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
