and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
