a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
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