The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
