dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
