if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
