I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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