Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
Randomize
