i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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