According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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