mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
