I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
