If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
