Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
did i just pee glitter
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
