i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
