I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
