I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Randomize
