Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
