idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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