just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Randomize
