I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
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