If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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