smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
