SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize
