Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Houston, we have a blender
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
